This is why I don't go back often/at all. It's painful. Yes, I am the one that left, and yes, I have the freedom that I have wanted. I should be happy! I should be going out and celebrating! Then why do I feel so empty, lonely, and guilty inside? I feel so selfish for tearing apart a family, my family, because I wanted something else for myself. It's about me, me and me! Am I selfish? Should I be selfish? Did my actions hurt everyone around me, including myself? Those thoughts go through my head each night, every time I try to close my eyes. The past couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me.
I try to cram so many things into my schedule that I barely have anytime to slow down and think. Inevitably, in the dead of the night, I can no longer avoid them, and they haunt me. I wonder how my in-laws are doing, how Winnie is doing, and how H is handling everything. Are H and Winnie eating well? Are they lonely? Do they hate me? I really don't know.... and maybe I don't want to know. This is why I wake up at 4am each morning and cannot go back to sleep. There was only 1 day that I actually slept through the dreaded 4am mark...
Others have told me not to blame myself and not feel guilty about my decision to leave. But it's so hard! I swung the hammer that shattered the mirror, and now the pieces of glass on the floor feel like my heart, broken, irreparable. Does this mean I regret my decision? No, I still whole heartedly believe that I made the right decision for everyone, with the possible exception of Winnie. However, the short pain that I thought would not last is longer than I thought. It hurts deeper than what I had imagined. I hope that from the wound, another branch will grow in the spring and blossom in the summer.
Plenty of other people go through tough times. I shouldn't be the baby that whines about everything. That's not who I expect myself to be! Suck it up Lucy, it's not as bad as you think it is. And you know what? Things will get better! Keep your chin up and that smile on your face! Time heals everything... eventually...
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*hugs* i think we were trained to think that we can't think for ourselves and that we have to think about the welfare of the other people before ourselves - so no, it's good that you are finally thinking about your own happiness and putting yourself first
ReplyDeletei think you've gotten used to making sure that other are happy at the sacrifice of your own well being - so it's hard to change that mindset - it's like there are a lot of what if's....but it's how we deal with the new situations that we are presented with and not if we had only done this 6 years earlier
love yourself :) and everything else will fall into place - you already are sacrificing a lot for your family and you need to take care of yourself as well
but know that you made the best decision for the long run - it might hurt a little in the interim but know that it's the best for everyone when you look at the bigger picture and not just a snapshot
*hugs* negative feelings are just part of the journey and when you look back in the future you will have realized that you learned a lot and grew from the experiences even if they hurt
don't let the traditional asian heritage of obedience and obsequence get you down - look for the silver lining and the rainbow after the thunderstorm