Lucy's Random Ideas

Running Away

2009-09-07T16:52:00.001-07:00

At the beginning of this year, I set out to accomplish quite a few things. For the most part, I have checked off most of my goals. One of the goals was to run a half marathon. On May 30th, I ran my first half marathon and finished with a time of 1:51:26. Considering that I started running this year, the time wasn't too shabby. After the race, I was motivated and wanted to do more. In true Lucy fashion, I immediately thought about running a full marathon. After all, a half marathon, is still a HALF. There is nothing more glorious than running a full marathon. With that in mind, I planned out my scheme of running a full marathon in December.

Somewhere along the way, running became less enjoyable. I don't remember if it was the time when I almost had to walk home from a hot 14 mile run, or if it was the day when I tried to run 8 miles, but only ended up running 2. I tried to stay focused, I tried to rest, and I tried to stay motivated... but nothing worked. Each week, I watch myself "deteriorate". Running was no longer an escape, but a burden. The burden became heavier and heavier each week, as I began to doubt my ability to run a marathon. It got to the point that I couldn't even fathom finishing a half marathon that is coming up in October. What happened, I ask myself, what changed?

Through some soul searching, I figured out a few things. A little bit about myself first. I am a competitive person by nature. I like being good at something because it gives me a sense of accomplishment. In fact, that is how I define myself. In a way, without my accomplishments, I feel that I have little else. To a certain extent, it pushes me to work harder, try harder, compete harder.

I am also ruled by fear and insecurities, as with most people. However, my fear of failure runs deep. Back in high school, I competed in academic decathlon. Before the county competition awards banquet, I told my parents not to come, believing that I would not win anything. I didn't want to disappoint my parents by having them there. So I sat there, while everyone else's parents took pictures at the banquet. When the awards were announced, I had 3 first places, 1 second place, and I was the all-around first place in the county. My team and I were going to the state competition. I remember at that time regretting not letting my parents come. At the same time, I was already thinking about the state competition, and how I would not be able to win anything there. I got second place in the speech portion at State.

What does this have to do with running you ask? Everything. My competitive nature got me through the first half marathon. However, pushing forward, my fear swallowed me whole. I used my Garmin to track every run. I obsessed over my pace, mileage, and heart rate. Every training run was a competition. If I ran slower than the last time, I wonder why I am slower. Was it my nutrition? Did I lose some fitness? Am I getting too fat to run? Self doubt bubbled to the top and overflowed. I lost confidence as a runner. No, actually, I never believed I was a runner. In the mirror, I don't look like a runner. In my mind, I don't feel like a runner. Looking at my pace, I didn't feel like I was fast enough to be called a runner.

Before every run, it took so much out of me to actually make it out the door. There were times when I put on all of my running gear, but only to retreat back. During the run, I keep feeling like I am out of breath. I run faster, and I get more out of breath. I look at my increasing heart rate, and I panic even more. The cycle rolls until I mentally break down. Are my legs really tired, or was it just my head telling me that? For every little step forward, I take huge steps back.

After some soul searching, I have decided to go back to find the reason why I started running in the first place. I want to find that glorious feeling back, to taste the sweet bliss of running like I was flying, free as a bird. Instead of counting down to my next run with dread, it should be filled with anticipation! Perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder. So I am taking a break from running, until I feel that itch again. When I am ready, I am going on a run with just my iPod.

No numbers, no doubts, just the joy of running.

Losing the Battle

2009-04-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Struggling, losing, frustrating... The more I fight for control, the less control I have. I am running, but I feel like it is going backwards. What do I do??? Stop trying? Searching for answers... coming up with nothing...

Late Night Thoughts

2009-04-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

There are times when I feel alone. Sometimes it is a good thing, after a long day, it might be good to be alone and relax. But other times, it is one of the worst feelings, to feel so alone in the world. Why did my dad hit my mom? What if my brother had not called the cops? What if I left for China a week earlier last August and they could not reach me? What is I had not agreed to raising my brother? What if I never got married, so I won't need to get a divorce now? What if I was never born???

Why is it that my mother can forgive my father for hitting her? Why did my brother forgive my father? Why do they all get along but I can't do the same? Why is it fair that what happened to them has changed my life in such a dramatic fashion? Why is it that they fight, but I pay the price???

It's not fair! What did I do to deserve this?? Now I have no one in this world. No family to speak of. I might as well have been an orphan. My "family" just takes from me, whatever they need they take, but gives nothing back to me but pain. I feel used, sucked dry. Maybe I expected too much from them during this tough period of my life???

There are times when I feel like my life is falling apart, despite efforts to hold myself together. Why do I let negativity get to me??? I don't know what is going on with my career. My divorce has made me feel so guilty, and such a failure. My family is draining in every way possible. I turn to food for comfort, but it does little to help me. I turn to exercise for relief, but at times, I am a slave to it as well.

I am a slave to my ambition, demand for perfection, high expectation of others. What I get in return is disappointment. In a way, I asked for all of this... Yet, why can't I stop the cycle? This is what I think of when I am alone at night, trying to sleep. This is why it is harder and harder to put that smile on my face. This is why my heart grows heavier each day. This is why I cannot sleep at night. I am tired, not just from the physical act of running, but from running away from my problems. Where do I draw strength to face all of this? I don't know... I need an Easy Button...

AH!

2009-04-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like my life is a mess... I'm always tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. There are times when I just want to drop everything. Hop in my car, just drive, drive away! Check into a hotel, with nothing but a TV and a comfortable bed and just SLEEP! Forget everything, start over, unburden the load on my shoulders.

Right now, I am always running around, doing god knows what! Going from workout, to work, to workout, to work, to workout, and then what??? What do I do with the emptiness that I feel in my life? I look to food for comfort, for answers... But nothing gets solved, just new problems created. What can I do? Reality sets in, and I know I can't just drop everything... I have responsibilities to everyone. I am happy when I can make other people happy... but today, today, I just want someone to make ME happy. What makes me happy, you ask? I don't know... Perhaps today, I just want to forget everything that is wrong with my life. I want to feel beautiful, to feel strong, and not feel so drained. Maybe that is why coffee and the gym are my two best friends right now?

My life just feels like a mess, but maybe that's how life is. Who knows... For now, just slap that damn cookie out of my hands and remind me that the cookie won't solve any problems.

Catch Up!

2009-03-12T01:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been over a month since I last jotted down my thoughts on the blog. Just because I haven't posted anything does not mean I haven't thought about it. Actually, there were a few times when I tried to write a new entry, but my thoughts were just going everywhere... unsorted, unorganized, and in unchartered territories.

Now it is past 1am and I am in front of my computer again. A few months ago, I used to sleep by 11pm every night. Now, I can't seem to sleep until after 1am. What is up with that? Hopefully I can get back to my regular sleeping pattern soon. My mind seems to think I am still back at college, but my body begs to differ!

In the beginning of the year, I talked about a few things I wanted to accomplish this year. One of them is to run a half marathon. I talked about it for a while, looked into a few half marathons, but didn't sign up for anything. Last weekend, we finally got some sunshine, and I went out for my first run in a while. A real run, not my usual 2 mile warm up runs before my zumba class. It felt great! Although I struggled through the first 3 miles, I finished my run with a smile on my face. =) I forgot how great it was to get that runner's high, feel the sun on my face, wind in my hair.

Fast forward to this week, I was talking to someone at work about the San Jose Rock N Roll half marathon. He actually ran it quite a few times and sent me an email about $15 off and a free t-shirt if you sign up by March 17th. So... I get a discount, AND a FREE t-shirt??? SIGN ME UP! haha There you go, free t-shirt motivated me to sign up for a half marathon.

Since I was on a roll, I signed up for a lottery for the Nike Women's half marathon as well. I hope I get it!!! You get a Tiffany's necklace if you finish! Seriously, you can tell me there is a free carrot at the end of the race, and I might just sign up to get it. Free is always great! However, if I really think about it, I do have to pay to enter in the race... So theoretically, nothing is free... hmmm

Now I remember I signed up for Bay to Breakers in May too! I better start training! My goal is to finish the half marathon in 2 hours. I think it's doable for me... as long as I train for it. It would be even better if I can do it faster, but I don't want to stress myself out about it... yet. ;) I am trying very hard to be non-competitive and take a laid back attitude about this whole thing... We'll see how that goes.

I have started rambling again... but that's what you do at 1:30am! Last month, I did a 10 day Bikram Yoga challenge. During those 10 days, I think I went to twelve 90 minute sessions on top of my regular workouts. At the end of the 10 days, I think I was ready to pass out. As much as I loved bikram yoga, I couldn't find enough time to do everything I wanted to. As with many other things in life, I had to prioritize... Unfortunately, yoga doesn't fit into my life right now.

I am just tired all the time, mentally and physically exhausted. I turn 30 this year, and my body is telling me that I am no longer young. I must sleep like a normal person if I want to stay awake during the day. I can't rely on coffee to help me focus. And the most frustrating of all is my metabolism is ever slowing... BLAH!

My bed is calling me... it's time to say good night/morning/day! =)

Mexico Day #1

2009-01-31T18:55:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here in my hotel room... and don't know what to do. I just ate a whole plate of chocolate desserts that was delivered to my room about 10 minutes ago. Very yummy, but I did not need to eat the whole plate. Oh well!

Let me back track a bit so you know why I am sitting in my hotel room. Last year, I was very lucky to receive a MVP award from the sales team. That meant I could go to their annual achievers sales club. This year's club trip is held in a small and intimate resort in Puerto Morelos, Mexico. I registered for the trip last year, for H and I to go. However, since we are getting divorced, I ended up going on this trip by myself. I would have to say this is the first trip I have taken by myself in a long time. Let me rephrase this a bit. I think it's ok to take a trip totally by yourself and do all the stuff that you want to do. However, when it is for work, and you are surrounded by couples, it's a bit hard not to feel lonely, or a 3rd wheel at times. Everyone have the best of intentions, but that feeling of loneliness creeps in.

To say that my first night has been awful isn't an understatement. Eating dinner, I tried my best to smile, make conversation, but it just wasn't the same. Maybe I should have brought a friend with me instead... Although I would feel obligated to talk to that friend all the time and a lot of times I just want to be by myself. How weird! I feel lonely, and yet I want to be by myself?? I don't even understand myself sometimes.

2 hours later

Ok, I never got to post my entry earlier. I heard some music in the background (good hip hop), and I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and go downstairs. What I found was a bunch of people having LOTS of fun dancing!! OMG, I danced away without a care in the world!!! I had such a great time! Lesson learned is that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Well, it is not exactly fitting in this situation I guess. But I need to learn how to make the best of any situation. Tonight, I gave it a chance, thanks to the advice of some great friends, and I had fun!! Onto tomorrow!!!

Happy Chinese New Year and Vacation Planning

2009-01-25T11:54:00.001-08:00

I can't believe today is the last day of the Year of the Rat. Seriously, I'm really looking forward to the Year of the Ox. It's not because I have a particular fondness towards Ox, but the Year of the Rat has been pretty bad for me. Perhaps Ox will be a better year for this poor Ram (that's my year).

In less than a week, I will be taking off to Mexico on a short beach "vacation". I got quite lucky last year and got selected to on a club trip. In a way, I feel guilty because I am not sure if I quite deserve it? However, this trip couldn't have come at a better time because I really need a vacation right now. Despite being more at peace with myself recently, I think a little time away from EVERYONE is needed. It's ME time! I don't have to be bubbly if I don't want to. I don't have to wake up at 5am thinking that I will be late for work. I don't have to check the weather each hour to see if I need to pick up my brother from school. What will I be doing exactly in Mexico? If you know me very well, then you know I am a planner when it comes to traveling. It's not necessarily that I like to plan out every hour of the day (though someone would beg to differ), I really like the act of planning... It gives me something to look forward to, if that makes any sense at all. It's not planning, really, more like arming myself with adequate (or more than adequate) information. However, in the spirit of a relaxing vacation, I have only set bullet points on the things that I would like to do.

On the plane

- Read my books!!! Especially the Twilight series!

- Listen to my favorite music!

- Eat yummy food that I pack myself. (Not a huge fan of food offered on the plane)

In Mexico/resort

- Take every Yoga and Pilates class that I have time/energy for. It's free, so why not??? (I have so far resisted emailing the resort for their class schedule... I thought that might be overkill) I do know that Yoga is done on a pier, overlooking the ocean! How great is that???

- Swim in the ocean! Not in the swimming pool, the ocean! I go to the beach so I can enjoy the sand and sea... not the pool bar (well, maybe a teeny bit)

- Run! I am hoping I can get some running in while checking out local sights. Maybe even run on the beach!

- Strength training and zumba dancing on the beach in my bikini! Doing pushups while the waves tickle my feet... =)

- Take lots of pictures and videos! This is the first time I have taken a vacation by myself! Must capture everything, including all the great food!

- Bask in the sun, but with a TON of SPF 55 sunblock (physical and chemical sunblocks). I love the warmth of the sun, but I don't love the damaging effects it has on my skin. I'm one of the few asians that get freckles. Lucy Liu also has them. ;)

- Enjoy the activities planned out by the organizers, even though a lot of it are for couples. I will just have to dance on the table by myself. =) Ok, kidding about the table part. It is still a work function. Must save that for another time with my friends.

- Be adventurous! Maybe a jungle tour? ATV? I would love to do some parasailing, or other water activities.

It's not really a plan right? Just a list of things that I want to do. we'll see how much I can get done! So much to do, but so little time! 6 days... and counting! Now if I can just figure out which bikinis to bring!

Change

2009-01-19T20:17:00.001-08:00

I am so excited about Obama's Inauguration tomorrow! It just feels like it is the beginning of something great! Is anyone watching the inauguration tomorrow morning? Since I don't have a TV, I will be watching online at work. Hopefully I don't get too many phone calls around then!! =) Here's to change we can believe in.

Sigh...

2009-01-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

I was going to write a post about Slumdog Millionaire tonight, but I am not longer in the mood. After a quick trip to Yummi Yogurt (My favorite place to get yogurt), my brother and I dropped by H's place to pick up a few things that we left behind. Right when I came in, Winnie rushed out and actually barked at me! Once she realized who I was, she started jumping up and down and was so excited. I don't know which is worse, hearing her bark at me, or seeing her so excited, but knowing that I will soon be leaving again.

This is why I don't go back often/at all. It's painful. Yes, I am the one that left, and yes, I have the freedom that I have wanted. I should be happy! I should be going out and celebrating! Then why do I feel so empty, lonely, and guilty inside? I feel so selfish for tearing apart a family, my family, because I wanted something else for myself. It's about me, me and me! Am I selfish? Should I be selfish? Did my actions hurt everyone around me, including myself? Those thoughts go through my head each night, every time I try to close my eyes. The past couple of weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me.

I try to cram so many things into my schedule that I barely have anytime to slow down and think. Inevitably, in the dead of the night, I can no longer avoid them, and they haunt me. I wonder how my in-laws are doing, how Winnie is doing, and how H is handling everything. Are H and Winnie eating well? Are they lonely? Do they hate me? I really don't know.... and maybe I don't want to know. This is why I wake up at 4am each morning and cannot go back to sleep. There was only 1 day that I actually slept through the dreaded 4am mark...

Others have told me not to blame myself and not feel guilty about my decision to leave. But it's so hard! I swung the hammer that shattered the mirror, and now the pieces of glass on the floor feel like my heart, broken, irreparable. Does this mean I regret my decision? No, I still whole heartedly believe that I made the right decision for everyone, with the possible exception of Winnie. However, the short pain that I thought would not last is longer than I thought. It hurts deeper than what I had imagined. I hope that from the wound, another branch will grow in the spring and blossom in the summer.

Plenty of other people go through tough times. I shouldn't be the baby that whines about everything. That's not who I expect myself to be! Suck it up Lucy, it's not as bad as you think it is. And you know what? Things will get better! Keep your chin up and that smile on your face! Time heals everything... eventually...

Random Stuff

2009-01-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

Recently I have been writing lots of "deep" stuff... Actually, I can be funny sometimes... A little sugar, spice, but not everything nice. :) So here are some really random stuff that I have been doing, thinking, or obsessing over.

I have been taking a ton of Zumba classes latey, along with some bootcamp classes. The instructor is teaching us a new dance and it is a Michael Jackson song, Wanna be Startin' Something!! The version we are using in class is actually a 2008 remake by Akon. I am obsessed with this song, so of course I bought it from iTunes. It's actually playing on repeat as I write this. My poor brother who has to live with me is probably already sick of this song. I can't wait to pop in my iPod at the gym and practice!!!

Speaking of the gym, I have been going on the weekends. After my Saturday Zumba class, I drive over to Apple gym while my adrenaline is still pumping. I've created a sort of a mish mash of workouts that lasts about 1 hr - 1.5 hr, depending on how much I want to expand on each part. I warm up to an easy Zumba dance routine and just feel the music in my head and body. It gets me in the right mindset for the rest of the workout. Usually I dance to Just Dance by Lady Gaga.

Next, I jump rope to some vocal trance, usually about 3 minutes. This gets my heart rate up. The next 4-5 trance songs, I will do basic kickboxing moves, jabs, crosses, hooks, upper cuts, front kicks, side kicks, round house etc. After the basic moves are done, I also do some basic combinations. Nothing that will require too much thinking, but it keeps my heart rate up.

I slow it down with some weights next. I have been trying to up my weights, so I use two 12.5 pound weights and do some bicep curls, kickbacks (not sure if it is the right name, but it works your triceps), and a bunch of other arm exercises that I don't know the names of. Since I am using heavier weights, I don't do that many reps. In between, if I am brave, I will do some pushups. Then I have the weights on my side and do some lunges and squats. Nothing crazy, but I try to hit up the major muscle groups.

At this point, I am about half way over. Sometimes I do more jump rope, or maybe another Zumba dance routine. Then it's yoga time. Those of you who know me pretty well know that I cannot stay still. I don't do meditative yoga, it's just not me. I connect body and mind when I am concentrating on a particular thought or space. The best way for me to release anything in my system is to actually let my mind draw a blank. Thus I like to practice moves that require intense physical concentration. I do some sun salutations with various variations. One thing that I like to do is pushups where your arms/elbows are right by your side. I do five each time I go through a flow. It makes me feel stronger! I don't really have that much planned out in terms of a routine, but I will always include warrior 1, 2, and 3. Some of my favorites are half moon, side planks, reverse warrior, side triangle, moon goddess, etc. My basic goal is to focus on each move, and just let my body tell me what's next. I try to incorporate a combination of flexbility, strength, and balance. Oh, I love three legged dog and water fall! I do that every time!!! I end my practice with pigeon on each side, held for 1 song for both sides, and plough.

Wow, I really wrote a lot about my routine... Sometimes it can get uncomfortable when people see me dancing around, doing yoga moves, and kickboxing. I try not to let that distract me, but when I lose my concentration in yoga, I have a hard time holding my balancing moves. That's when I stare at my reflection in the mirror and concentrate on my mouth. I know, it's totally weird. There is a slit on my bottom lip that makes me look like rabbit. It's very unique and genetic.

I am usually very self conscious about my body. It's one of those things that you are never happy with. There is always something that I would like to improve on. I have a total lack of confidence when it comes to my body. However, I am a totally different person when I am in Zumba. I have discovered something that I can be good at, and it builds my self confidence. It's one of the few times when I feel SEXY! If I describe myself under normal circumstances, I would NEVER use the words sexy or beautiful. But that's how I feel when I step into and out of a Zumba class. It's an awesome feeling! Strong, Sexy, and Beautiful! That's how I want to feel all the time. I shouldn't care if others think I am or not. Perhaps one day I will find someone who will make me feel like that all the time. Until then, I will bask in the afterglow of Zumba.

So now, I will stop. Perhaps I have revealed too much, even though my intention was to write about my workout routine. I guess if you talk enough, you will reveal your true self to others. I don't mind really. It's good to let others see who you truly are. They can understand you, and decide if they can accept you. Isn't it better than to hide behind a mask of some sort? Now, if I can just stop obsessing over my eyebrows... but that's a story for another day. ;)

Reflections

2009-01-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been frustrated at yourself? I'm sure we all have at one point or another. I've been quite frustrated at myself recently. Sometimes you don't realize that you are unhappy with yourself because you direct your anger at another object. Only when you calm down and analyze it do you find out that you are the cause of the problem. It's a bit hard to talk abstractly without a more solid example.

A lot of times I wonder why I can't stop feeling sorry for myself, why I cry at the most random thoughts, why I can't always see the brighter side of things. If I always thought I am strong and independent, then why do I feel so lonely, so weak, so needy inside??? Have I been wrong about myself? When I am faced with hardship, am I not as strong as I thought? This self doubt has been looming over my head like a dark storm cloud. Will it rain on me? Or will sunshine break through? Will there be a rainbow after the storm? Will the rain wash away the sadness in my heart?

Most people describe me as bubbly, happy, or something of that sort. On the outside, I do appear that way. If you see me at the gym, I am usually the one jumping around like a rabbit. However, underneath the facade, am I really happy? Sometimes I convince myself that I am... I really have a lot to appreciate. I love working with most of the people at work, I have such great friends to support me, and I have my brother, who is the most important person to me above all else. What more do I want? I don't know as I am writing this... Perhaps that is why I feel so unsettled. I don't know what I want with myself, my life, with others. It's such a simple question, but I cannot answer it.

There are times when I want to leave everything behind and start over. As one person put it, drop an anvil on my head and magically appear on some tropical island. As much as I would like for that to happen, I know the right thing to do is to face my fears, problems, and doubts. This is part of growing up... Sometimes the hardest thing is to be honest with yourself and have the courage to face obstacles.

As I struggle through this, I know I will have my friends by my side. For this, I am thankful. Now that I think about it, I am a lucky girl. Life is about the journey, and I intend to go through it with my head held up high and smiling.

Eat, Drink, Friends

2009-01-13T06:16:00.001-08:00

I had so much fun getting together with my pledge sisters last night. For those of you unfamiliar with pledge sisters, they are the girls that you pledged with for a sorority. Basically, in order to join a sorority, you must go through weeks of "torture" which causes you to bond together. You become so close that you are sisters for life. My pledge class, Beta Nus, are definitely the bomb. They are some of my best friends and are always there for me. Let's just say that saying that they are my "sisters" is not an exaggeration.

Since I moved to my new place, no one has really visited me. We gathered in my dining room to drink some wine, eat dinner, and just chit chat for hours on end. The only slight problem is that I haven't drank in months, no years, that I have absolutely no tolerance. I plan on fixing that soon. =)

Last night was like the good old days in college when we would gather around the table and talk about anything for hours. Even when we don't see each other very often, we are always able to pick up right where we left off. There is not much that we can't talk about, and never really an awkward silence.

In a way, they are my blanket that shields me from a fall. It sounds really sappy right??? It's true though. Last night was about catching up with great friends, and for me, it was also about appreciating the friends that I have. Thanks girls!!

Self Control

2009-01-11T22:45:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's ok to lose self control. Just go with the flow... See where life takes you. If you get a bump and a bruise, put a bandaid on. What's a little scrape if you can be free???

=)

2009-01-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

So many things brought a smile to my face... I just ordered New Moon (2nd book in the Twilight series) along with Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama from Amazon. Can't wait for them to arrive! Zumba class was great today, and I can't wait until Zumba bootcamp in about oh 7 hours!

Hopefully I will have time tomorrow afternoon to hit the gym for another hour. Isn't it wonderful to have so much freedom??? I just LOVE it! Right now I feel like a Zumba fairy...

So many happy things today... Now it's time for me to go to bed and relive my day through my dreams.

Need to catch some Zzzzzz

2009-01-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

Short post today since I feel drained of energy, emotion, and whatever else I am suppose to have. My sleeping habits have been pretty consistent the past few years. Usually, I am in bed by 11pm and wake up around 6am. Since moving to the new apartment, my sleeping patterns have been so strange! I can't fall asleep before midnight and have been waking up at 4am every morning. After a week of this, my body just can't handle it anymore.

Yesterday, I debated going to a hip hop class or zumba class after work. As much as I love dancing, my body just didn't want to move. So I finally listened to my body (for once), and just went home and slept. I am not sure if that was such a good idea since I only napped for an hour, but couldn't go back to sleep until 1:30am. As usual, I woke up to a dark room with the clock saying 4:01 am. I contemplated reading Twilight, but decided to lie in bed for another hour.

This morning, I made a quick trip to Whole Foods and bought Valerian, a natural supplement to help me sleep. A friend recommended this to me, so hopefully it will work tonight. I'm a firm believer in "toughing it out" and probably take medicine once a year. Thus I have no medicine lying around in the house. The closest thing I have is bandaids.

I've always taken pride in my toughness in the sense that I don't want to be a stereotypical girl. I don't shy away from shots, blood, camping, and can usually handle a good amount of pain. So this whole sleep deprivation thing is really rubbing my ego the wrong way. I thought I could handle it, but I think it is time to admit defeat and get some "help". At least valerian is a natural supplement... My mom, the chinese doctor, would be proud! =)

Well, I have rambled on enough... I blame it on a lack of sleep.

What makes you happy?

2009-01-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me one day "what makes me happy?" At first material things came to mind. Like a typical girl, I thought oooh cute shoes, a LV purse, and maybe a brand new perfume. However, after digging deeper into my thoughts, the question is deceptively simple. Even after finishing the conversation, I kept thinking about that question. My goal this year is to be happy and I have already listed some of the things that I want to do to make me happy. But is there more out there?? Yes, I think so... Let me dissect my thoughts now...

Finding new frozen yogurt flavors, or just getting a frozen yogurt!

Baking the perfect bread or muffin, that is both deliciously soft but surprisingly healthy.

Petting a cute puppy wagging its tail at me...

I love the sun, the feel of its rays on my face, the warm on my skin, and the glow as the sun rises from the east.

I love to dance with complete abandon, without a care in the world.

Sometimes I just want to listen to my favorite songs over and over and over and over...

A large cup of Peet's 2/3 decaf coffee with cocoa powder, 4 packets of splenda, and unsweetened soy milk can make my morning that much brighter.

Traveling to warm beachy places, waking up to the smell of the ocean and crashing waves, and not care about how I look in that damn bikini.

The first breath I take after a long hike to the peak, overlooking the trails that I had taken, feeling I am on top of the world.

The high I get from a great workout, great run, independent, strong, and ready to conquer the world.

Trying something new and mastering it, or the courage to trying some new, failing, and trying again...

Something I do that brings a smile to someone's face...

Having wonderful friends who are with you through thick and thin!

The list is endless really... So why is it so hard for me to find happiness? Maybe I have it but never appreciated it??? Perhaps this is life... never appreciating what you had until you have lost it? I want my happiness back and I intend to saveur every moment of it.

Is Vacation Almost Over?

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Do you remember back in school when you actually had winter and summer break? Yeah, neither do I. Wait, actually, this year, I did get a winter break! Working at Apple has many benefits, one of which is our holiday shutdown. We actually get days off like school kids!!!

Unfortunately, my vacation is coming to a close. There is that dreadful feeling in my tummy, similar to the one we get on Sunday nights, except worse. Honestly, I really do love my job, so going back to work isn't bad. It is the thought that vacation is almost over that bothers me more. No more 9am Zumba classes followed by another hour at the gym dancing around to whatever music I wanted to blast in the group exercise room. No more driving to Crystal Springs just for a good 6 mile run, at least on a weekday.

Instead of dwelling on the tugging thought of going back to work, I really should look at the silver lining. I get to talk to all of my sales reps again. My phone will be ringing off the hook, iChats blinking everywhere, and I will get stressed out. Wait, is that good? Yes, I really love every minute of it. Even though I get overwhelmed at times, knowing that what I do helped to win a deal, satisfy a customer, and increased revenue without sacrificing margins (I am in finance after all), just bring a huge smile to my face. It is a special bonus that I really love working with everyone.

Come to think of it, it is really like school... Even though you didn't want really want to go to class, you looked forward to seeing your friends at school. I can't wait to hear about everyone's vacation when I get back to work on Monday! 2 more days to go!

Happy New Year!

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I can't believe it is 2009 already! It feels like yesterday when I graduated from high school (Class of 98!). Ok, maybe not yesterday... but it feels a lot shorter than.. *gasp* 11 years ago! Where did all the years go?

Most people reflect on the past year and make resolutions for the new year on January 1st. We all get a clean slate to find ways to improve our lives. I have also thought long and hard about my new year resolutions. This year will be a new beginning for me in more ways than one. Random ideas kept popping up in my head (hence the title of my blog), and finally I decided that I want to make one clear resolution.

I want to be happy and live life to the fullest!

The resolution seems quite simple right? I want to do all the things that make me happy!! So.... what do I want to do this year?

RUN! - a half marathon

I've never really liked running in the past, but after my first 10k the past year, I am appreciating it so much more. Running a half marathon is something that I would like to do this year. If I am courageous, I might even attempt a full marathon... :) More than any races, I want to enjoy running, rather than viewing it as a painful way of burning calories. It is all about your mentality right?

DANCE! - Zumba Bootcamp? Hip Hop dance classes?

Dancing is probably my favorite form of exercise! Last year, I discovered Zumba and it has brought so much joy to my life. This year, I want to improve my dancing skills, so I want to try maybe a Zumba bootcamp class, or even a hip hop class somewhere. I want to dance more this year because it makes me HAPPY! :)

BOOKS! - Read more!

Since I was a little girl, I have always loved reading. Somehow, I fell off the bandwagon of reading books and started reading magazines. Last year, I read 52 issues of trashy magazines and knew what celebrities wore, dated, ate, and a bunch of other useless information. This year, I want to read a variety of books. Maybe some classics like Dickens or Austen, or teenage fiction like Twilight (I am dying to read the series!!). Perhaps I can read what I have always loved, history!!! Yes, I used to read history books for fun! I took a bunch of history classes in college even though I never needed them. Ahhh, I digress.

STAY FIT! - Whatever it takes!

Yes, it's my vanity talking, but also my health! It's not about being the skinniest (I have given up on that), but being strong and full of vitality! I want to be able to do 50 pushups in a row, kickbox with the rest of the men, and run faster than my little brother (he's only 15 ok? hehe) Hopefully, I can get somewhat of a 6 pack this year? Ok, maybe not 6, but 4? 2? Any pack! Just no rolls... hehe I am a firm believer that by eating healthy and exercising, I won't need all that medicine that people take.

BROTHER! - Be a good sister!

Despite the fact that my brother and I are polar opposites in so many things, I want to be a good sister to him. In the past, I was always the cool sister who bought him cool stuff and took him to the movies when I went home to visit. Now that I am raising him, I have a combined role of sister and mother. Sometimes I am confused what I should be... Hopefully I can be a good role model for him through my actions and not just my words. Now that I think about it, he is a bit of a guinea pig for me... poor boy ;)

Finally, just because I have set some goals today doesn't mean I can't add to it as the year goes on. Isn't that what life is all about?? Setting goals, achieving them, and improving ourselves? So here's to 2009, a new beginning and whatever that it might bring!